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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28555413">Pinus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacnightmares/pseuds/lilacnightmares'>lilacnightmares</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Flowers of Paradise [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mystic Messenger (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Blood, Depression, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/M, Implied Cult Background, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suit Saeran wakes up in the Secret Endings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:34:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28555413</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacnightmares/pseuds/lilacnightmares</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He's always been just underneath the surface of the water... just enough that he could feel and hear some of what was happening but never at all enough to give him the full picture. All he knows is that he's angry and that someone around here is too chicken to let out their anguish the way they should, so he's going to solve that problem.</p>
<p>Set Post-Petunia. A standalone fic that can read without reading any of the other stories in the series.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Saeran/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Flowers of Paradise [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Pinus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hey, is everything okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her fingers tentatively brushed against his cheek. He didn’t have the energy to pull away but he didn’t want to flinch from her touch. Things had been rather out of sorts lately thanks to the rediscovery of Ray and while Lila had reassured him that she wasn’t weirded out or bothered by it. He had been so afraid that the minute that anyone found out that—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His trauma had broken all of them so much that he was fractured like this. He wasn’t even the original host. He already had a hard time trying to reassure himself that he was making progress and that everything that happened wasn’t all his fault. No amount of weekly therapy was going to fix that completely, as it would always weigh on his heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, Ray was trying to help him and had been trying to ensure that he didn’t lose everything that he had stumbled his way into. He wasn’t daft enough to think that everything happened for a reason, or that he was where he was today because of something he did. A choice had never been his option from the start. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Honestly, the only thing that he had ever chosen on his own was his… no, was Lila. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was the only thing in his life that he’d ever chosen on his own. Everything else had been given to him and he had no choice but to accept it. It was why she was so precious to him and why he was so paranoid that she’d want him less if she knew how bad off he was sometimes. Yet, the instant that he awoke from his dazed state—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He found himself draped in her arms as she gently shushed him and the bleary tears from his eyes. In the past, he’d never let himself cry in front of someone but he rusted her, he trusted her with every ounce of his being and he knew that she’d never taunt him or hurt him when he was in such a strong vulnerable state. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She told him so quietly that night that Ray had told her everything and that she was going to stay right there with him until he felt like it was okay to talk about it… and they did, they talked for hours into the night about how fragmented his past was and how there had always been gaps in his memory and in his life where so many chunks were cut off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was for his safety, he figured. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If he were to remember every ounce of his trauma, it might crush him. That, at the very least, was what he assumed. Being scared and pathetic was never something that he let himself do, but he was learning everyday hat it was okay to give in to this feeling. It was okay to cry. By doing that, it was a little easier to open up about everything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Don’t get him wrong, though, admitting that took everything he had and he wasn’t ready to open up about all of it. But, he was okay to talk about Ray now, and Ray was okay to reveal himself whenever he wanted to. Saeran let Ray step forward whenever he wanted to or whenever he needed to breathe, and it was okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were those moments when neither of them could flicker or choose whenever they came out, such small triggers could lure Ray out. He was always apologetic about it. Ray wasn’t having an easy time with his new sense of freedom but he was giving it a chance because Saeran reassured him that it was okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t easy with… Saeyoung, though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ray couldn’t be alone with Saeyoung for very long, and Lila always had to be in the room to ground him because he trusted her. She may not have existed in his memories, but he felt like she would put a stop to anything before it grew to be too much. She always did. He still didn’t feel like he could trust their brother. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was testing the waters, and while Saeyoung took the realization of their mental health rather hard, Ray couldn’t help but blame himself for bringing all this trouble with him. Lila tried to talk him down and through it whenever she could, but Ray’s wounds ran rather deep and wouldn’t be fixed in a day, neither of them could be perfectly content, after all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ray was… adjusting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were both adjusting. It wasn’t like Saeran remembered how to be more than just himself. Tired, exhausted, and in a daze most of the time. Ray was perfectly content if he could come out to bake or to speak with Lila now and again, but he was still rather withdrawn. It was this weird… period where the two of them were pushing back and forth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was so strange. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, as for Saeran, he was still coming to terms with the realization that Ray being around meant that there was possibly more underneath the surface that he wasn’t prepared for. He didn’t even realize that Ray was around until the third time it happened and he said outright that he had taken care of things for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Go, what if something were to happen and… he couldn’t even bring it up when he was talking to her, or his therapist. There was just too much on his mind. Too many thoughts burning him and making him feel like he was going to explode. God, he felt the trembling in his palms already. He was going to have a long night ahead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just thinking,” he said, quietly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila frowned at the somberness of his tone. She leaned over and brushed her lips against his forehead to combat whatever he was struggling with. Ever thoughtful even though she was struggling just as much as he was. “Do you want to talk about it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran shook his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The last thing he wanted was to overwhelm her with this. She had her problems whether she wanted to admit it or not. The elixir had burned her and made her angry and tired just as much as it had done with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She smiled and acted like nothing was wrong, but she was more bitter than she was when they first met. It only showed whenever someone pushed her the wrong way. Her therapy was working wonders, as well as how easy it was for her to immerse with the RFA.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t like how he was… not knowing how to deal with social cues or how to deal with people that he’d walked for years from the background without them knowing. She was still different from him in so many ways. She deserved to have time for herself too. He sucked in a breath, “I don’t think I can right now.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want me to stay tonight, or do you want to be alone?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even though they shared a room, Lila had been given her own space to do her work and hobbies by Saeyoung that she could sleep in whenever Saeran needed to be alone. There were nights where he was fearful that he may have nightmares or an episode. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The last thing he wanted was to hurt her whenever he had a flashback or… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes, it was better to sleep in different rooms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t like they weren’t together, anyway. They would often prop up their phones and get lost in a video call. It was no different than how it used to be back at Mint Eye, but this was a flavor that didn’t make him mad or upset. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seeing her smile smoothed his worries, if only a little bit, and tonight was not a good night for him. He wanted her out of this space when he felt like this. It was better for him and better for her sake and he’d hate to see her leave, but it was safer than way. She understood what his tentative silence meant, so she spared him just one kiss with a smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m only a text away,” she murmured. “Don’t hesitate to text me if you need to go to sleep together or need me on the phone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He offered her a weak smile in return. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have a good evening, my dear.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And just like that, he was alone. All those thoughts that he was trying to ball up inside were starting to flood to the surface just as he knew they would. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wasn’t that how this always started? He was always alone. He always isolated himself and he always did this. It was always bound to happen because he let it happen. He made sure to lock the door from the inside to make sure that nobody would come and try to get into the room if he got too upset. He let in a breath and went to the bathroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran knew that he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He never expected to get overwhelmed and he never thought that Ray would ever wake up again. He never knew the guy himself, well, not in the way that the other one knew him… he woke up much later on when he was gone, splintered in this anger and fractured beyond reason. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It just kept happening over and over again when he felt like he was going to suffocate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, he’d wake up hours later with everything being taken care of. It didn’t make sense at first, but it started to click after he took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the swelling gaps in his memory as they hit him again. It had been such a long time since that happened, so long since he felt what it was like to be in the headspace and not outside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t quite come together until the third time it happened. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the point that Ray let him know that he was around and that he was sorry about that. He took care of anything that he had to do and he had reassured everything about what he was dealing with. It wasn’t his right to tell the others that he was struggling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ray just kept things the way they were meant to be as far as he could tell and that, Saeran appreciated, even though it was a struggle for him to deal with the loss of time since he had been around or the fact that he was no longer the host of the system. It was strange to be around Ray because he still didn’t have a good grasp of how to read him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Who was Ray, really? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was just… the memories that he did have of Ray didn’t quite match up with this person he was seeing for himself. Then again, the memories he did have were splintered from the moment that he was born from the elixir, vitriol, and vinegar. How he… they… were told over and over that they weren’t strong enough to fight all of this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were a lot of blurred memories from the torture. He didn’t know how to deal with that but he was kind of glad that most of the worst sessions of cleansing were detached from his mind but that did not take away the haze that came afterward. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Those days in Mint Eye were still like a fleeting memory that didn’t make sense. So much of his life was spent fixated at his desk and blurring out of mind. It wasn’t until he met Lila that it felt like he had just become a tangible person that didn’t live in a haze of anger and stupor. In retrospect, he’d done a lot of horrible things back then but—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’d gone through so much to stay by his side. She’d been tricked and burned and broken in front of him and he couldn’t do anything about it. He lied to himself the minute that the Savior returned her to his hands by saying that she was stronger and better that way, but she was unstable and cracked and in that haze of elixir and hatred—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were always a few lingering petals on that thorned rose and that was why she’d broken from her coding at the last minute. She’d given him the chance to find himself, and even though he hurt her time and time again, caused her to lose herself… no, no, so much of that was the… was Rika’s fault but he had accepted that he was at fault just as much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After all, he stared at his reflection in the mirror as the flickering artificial lights illuminated the room in the dead of night. He could still see his anger reflected behind his tired eyes. He could see and stare at the man he used to be, and while he still felt that anger, he was…. terrified of his anger and what he could do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was capable of horrible and ugly deeds. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His fingers still felt like they were bathed in something warm… sticky… hot… and if he looked down, he’d see red slathered on his hands as his heartbeat began to accelerate only for Saeran to realize that his hands weren’t covered in blood. He would scrub and scrub and scrub at his palms until he could barely feel them underneath the scorching water. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t want to feel it. Over and over, he’d try but it would take him a few minutes before he could realize that he wasn’t slumped over her form on the ground, pleading with God for her to not to fucking die on him because he couldn’t do this without her anymore. The sounds of yelling and the sounds of shattered glass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The feeling of the Savior telling him that he wasn’t good enough and that she should have taken his twin instead of him. It was like he was nothing. It was like nobody had ever wanted him and that the world had lied to him. He had been abandoned by V, and the Savior, no, Rika, she said that she never wanted him because he was a problem. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His quickened breath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Screaming. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shouting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Confusion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If V was gone. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This would all be over. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Those footsteps that had echoed were now loud as can be and Saeran steadied the gun as much as he could in his shaking hands. He just didn’t realize it before it was too late. Wisteria ran as fast as she possibly could from the large entrance hall doors to stop him before he did the unthinkable act to someone knowing that he would live to regret it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her arms splayed out in front of herself to stand in front of V—</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Saeran didn’t even register that she had rushed into the room until his finger had brushed the trigger and—</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her voice said his name for the first time. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“ Saeran— ”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d pulled the trigger but it was too late to take it back. The trembling touch of her palm against his cheek and the glossy look in her eyes as she mouthed something to him that didn’t quite make sense. His breath quickened until he clenched his fists so tightly it brought him back down to earth and out of the memory. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hated himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hated everything about himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How could he ever be deserving of anything? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Monster,” he hissed at himself, glowering at his expression as if that would change anything. “You are a fucking monster.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What did it matter if she’d forgiven him for what happened in his daze of elixir and anger? He had lifted the gun and tried to shoot… that traitor, no… Jihyun and she’d tried to stop him from doing something that he would come to regret. How could she stand to look at him? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How could she stomach his cowardice? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran could only see the ghost of his worst fears as he stared into those mint eyes of his, a glaring reminder of his time in hell would forever mark him. Just as the tattoo that he burned into his skin all those months ago to prove that he was loyal and dedicated to the cause more than just changing his hair and thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was he but a failed promise and mistake? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was just coasting by on pity, wasn’t he? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His breath quickened as the fluorescences taunted him once again. It wasn’t like the blue light of a screen but it tested him. It wasn’t Mint Eye, but he was somewhere where he had the power to lose himself those old thoughts of hatred. It wasn’t like him to be scared or uneasy of his hatred but perhaps it was a lingering fear from his sins? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The feeling of her blood staining his fingertips… never before had he been frightened of himself, or of his anger, but today was testing his limits. Why did anyone trust him? Why did they think he wouldn’t lose control again? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Ray was still around after all this time, who was telling who else was still around and willing to do things for him without knowing what he wanted or not. Paranoia was nothing new to him, but he didn’t want to be this angry monster anymore, he just wanted to live and deal with whatever came his way now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want to be angry and confused anymore, he just wanted to be Saeran. He just wanted to be someone that wasn’t bound in chains and shackles. Even though his anger and self-loathing burned to the core, it wasn’t enough to sate that feeling. He tried to bite it down but it growing harder and harder with every passing day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was wrong with him? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What couldn’t he keep himself together? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could hear something in the back of his head taunting him already with his worst fears. </span>
  <em>
    <span>None of that would have happened if you kept her on a tighter leash from the start, moron. That’s right, you have nobody to blame but yourself. You’ve grown weak, haven’t you? This is all your fault… what happened to controlling and owning everything? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” he gritted his teeth. “I’m not like that anymore. I don’t— I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It continued, sounding more and more like a familiar voice but he couldn’t place it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’ve grown complacent, haven’t you? Look at the mess you’re in… trapped like a caged animal and letting them poke at you like a science experiment. Doesn’t that make you angry? It’s unlike you not to lash out and destroy anything that gets in your way… so, what’s wrong? Scared that you got your hands dirty? Scared of how good it felt to be strong? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not….” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was no use arguing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You may think you have control, but you don’t. Try being like that airhead, and see where it gets you in this life. We both know the answer to that outcome, now, don’t we? Suffer how we’ve all been forced to suffer once again, and but the instant you let go is the minute that I solve everything that you’ve been avoiding.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeran shuddered, feeling his mind blanking at those insults. It didn’t sound himself as those words echoed and prolonged his unease. He could feel the warm invitation of the darkness as he managed to suck in another breath to his aching lungs and weeping heart. He just wished that he could stop this feeling from overwhelming him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No more…! </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want to be like this anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want to think anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t want to exist right now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wasn’t sure what was wrong but she did know that something wasn’t right. Saeran had been more withdrawn than ever. At first, when they learned about Ray and what that meant, he seemed to be out and ready to work on himself and be honest with what was bothering him, but after a few weeks, it was becoming increasingly clear that he was struggling than ever with something that he wouldn’t talk with anyone about. Which was fine, but, he was snowballing himself into a corner where he wasn’t going to be able to get out on his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila didn’t want to press. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She respected that he needed time to work on himself and on what was going on. It wasn’t easy to go from being alone to being with someone else… someone like Ray. Ray hadn’t said anything in the way of explaining anything, but that was purely because Saeran hadn’t told him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t expect an answer from him, either, she was just worried. After all, it was only natural for her to be worried about him. She was just as worried about Ray these days because he was similarly having a hard time adjusting to life in the bunker with the others. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He liked her plenty enough, and he got along with Saeyoung’s partners’ for the most part, it was just Saeyoung himself that he had an issue with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He admitted that it had a lot to do with what happened at Magenta. She’d seen it in Saeran, and she’d lost herself to that perception long ago in the haze of elixir. They had been manipulated and made to think that they’d been abandoned. Ray took it the hardest because he wanted to believe in the truth but Rika had broken him in no time since he had no one else to count on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was just another reason to detest those blonde curls and misty eyes. She sucked in a deep breath whenever the vision of that woman bore heavy on her mind. She had her trauma from that, the feeling of nails pressed against her throat until she smiled a twisted grin and let herself become angry and vindictive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It never felt like she was herself at Mint Eye, but the elixir and the cleansings had hurt her in ways that she was still trying to unlearn. It was late at night now, and she couldn’t sleep. Saeran hadn’t sent her a message so she assumed that he had gone to sleep as he normally did. She spent the time that she could not rest working on another project. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’d taken to painting again for the first time in forever. Much of her free time was spent trying to encapsulate the feeling that she’d found at Magenta, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was a form of catharsis. In that hell, she’d found hope in mint eyes. She still had faith in those eyes of his, no matter who bore them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The repetitive motion of the brush against the canvas enveloped her into a haze that lasted for quite a while until she realized that she should probably grab some water before she forgot to keep up with a daily routine. The last thing she needed to worry Saeran with would be if she forgot to drink or eat something. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila rose from her seat and headed out into the hall towards the kitchen. She procured her water and paused in the doorway of the living room as she noticed that the lights were still on. That didn’t seem right. Normally, the others were asleep at this hour. She and Saeran were the only ones that spent a lot of time awake with the moonlight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, who was awake at this hour? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re awake, Lil'.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She pressed a hand to her chest as she sighed, “Oh, it’s just you, Saeyoung.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry to startle you, I was just in the middle of working on something,” he set down the device that he was holding in his hands. He and his brother were prone to working on things whenever they got an idea or a chance to complete the thought. It was a bad habit whenever they didn’t get enough sleep but hey, you couldn’t always make them go to bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s alright, I was working too,” she shook her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung had his full attention on her now as she leaned against the back of the couch, “That so? Is Saeran having a rough night, then? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you two not in the same room at this hour.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nightmares again, I think,” was her answer with a small shrug. She wasn’t sure herself but that was just her guess on the matter. “I offered to sleep in the other room since he gets paranoid about lashing out in his sleep sometimes. It’s not what I want to do, but it’s a small thing to ease whatever has him so worked up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Golden eyes were curious. Though, he knew that she wouldn’t elaborate too much on the subject since Saeran didn’t like to disclose those problems with his twin. It was easier that way, and since they’d all just gotten used to the most recent revelation, it was easier to brush it off and focus on anything else they would be doing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Besides,” she continued. “It gives me plenty of time to work on my art. He’s going to scold me for staying up late again but I’ve been sleeping fine lately, he needs a lot more rest than I do. So, this’ll just be our secret. I won’t tell Minji or Judas that you’re working on another toy.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh? I didn’t tell you what it was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray figured it out. He saw all the design plans that you had out on the table the other day, he thought it was kind of sweet.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Really?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she smiled. “He’s always paying attention to the little details. Just don’t tell him that I told you that, I did promise that I wouldn’t say too much about his feelings on anything without asking him if it’s okay first. He’s wanted to try helping you but he… he hasn’t figured out how to work up the confidence to ask himself.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung blinked. He seemed surprised by that because Ray had been avoiding him for quite some time now, but Lila knew better. She knew that Ray was struggling with being here but at the same time, he wanted to be close to his brother. It was a weird place to be in and it was hard for him to pick what felt right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll have to ask him myself, next time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gently, of course,” Lila chided him with a press to his shoulders from her hands. There was a small laugh against her lips. “Ray’s still getting used to all of this. So, don’t ask him outright, just let him catch you in the right moment and ask for you, instead. That might be easier for him to pick up with instead of asking himself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A comfortable silence washed over the two of them. It just felt like things were starting to work themselves out and that it would soon find a pace for a new normal, life was always changing, but it was good to be able to find a good middle area between peace and calamity. Just as Lila was about to head back to her room, she felt something. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you think you’re doing?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That tone of voice brought a shiver down her spine as she immediately snapped her head around to meet narrowed mint eyes. Something was off about him. She knew that from the moment that she’d seen his eyes. His hair was muddled as if he had been tugging at the strands again in a haze of anxiety and his shirt uneven with wrinkles. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Had he just had a nightmare? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her lack of a response didn’t seem to make him look any less like he was okay. He caught her by the wrist and hoisted her back onto her feet before she could even open her mouth to question if he was okay or not. “I said,” his voice lowering to a hiss as she met his gaze. “What do you think you’re doing out here, princess?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila blinked at him. It had been so long since she’d heard him call her by that name, though it wasn’t tainted with bad memories, it was just what he’d called her so much during that time when she went by Wisteria. When she acted angry, entitled, and sour in all regards because she didn’t know how to control her venom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was wrong with him? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She followed her hand to where he was still holding onto her like she was a ragdoll. He’d never done that before. His grip was tight, not tight enough to bruise but it was tight enough that she had to hold back a wince. “I was just talking to Saeyoung about my project,” she said, confusion lining her face. “Is something wrong, Saeran? You don’t look well.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” his vision left hers now as he stared at Saeyoung. His mint eyes narrowed to slits with such rage within them that she hadn’t seen in months. “I’ve never been better, princess. As a matter of fact, you could say that I’ve never felt more alive. It’s been a while but… you’ve saved me the trouble of finding him on my own. So it seems that you’re good for something, after all. I’ll deal with you in a little bit, though, I’ve got to blow off some steam first.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila wasn’t sure that she understood what he was implying, or why he’d just implied that she was less than dirt. “What are you talking about, Saeran?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His grip on her wrist loosened as he took the time to draw her in closer. His thumb and forefinger gripped her chin with a snide smirk on his lips as he drank in the sounds of the warmth on her face and the confusion in her eyes. “Ah, I thought you’d be smarter than that. I guess the elixir </span>
  <em>
    <span>shot </span>
  </em>
  <span>whatever intelligence you had.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung seemed to notice something that she didn’t because he had quietly risen from his seat on the couch and seemed to be looking at him with a hard stance. He was searching for something that he just couldn’t seem to find. He hesitated and then steeled himself once he reached a conclusion that seemed to make sense to him. “Lila, I don’t think that’s him.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ding-ding-ding,” he chided with sarcasm as he looked back at Saeyoung. “Look like we’ve got a real winner, and it’s the </span>
  <em>
    <span>liar </span>
  </em>
  <span>himself, folks, can you believe it? You’re still pretending to act like you know anything about us but in reality, you don’t. You don’t know anything about us… about me. Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t intend to hear whatever excuse you have.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t have excuses,” Saeyoung responded. “But, you’re not going to prove anything by using her against me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His vision returned to Lila who was in a rough spot, and he knew that he would have to remove her from this situation. If it wasn’t Saeran, then there was no telling how this guy may react. He wasn’t as polite and composed as Ray was, and he knew from that look in his eyes that he wanted blood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, how badly had Rika hurt him? How badly had their mother hurt him? And, how badly had he hurt him when leaving? He blamed himself for how badly his twin had been hurt and he always knew he would. The anger was justified. He understood why his brother was angry with him, and he knew that—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No matter how many times his brother struggled, he would keep fighting to ensure that his happiness was tangible and real. He’d have this battle with Saeran already, and he was prepared to atone for his actions at any moment. He knew that Ray was struggling with being around him for the same reason but he avoided him, and it seemed this one wanted to face him head-on.</span>
</p>
<p><span>“</span><em><span>Against</span></em> <em><span>you</span></em><span>?” he scoffed. He seemed offended by the notion that he would use something against Saeyoung that, from all angles, appeared to be his. From that look in his eyes, he very well wanted to command things. “Oh? You think everything’s about you, don’t you, liar? No, no, this pretty little thing is ours, not yours. Oh, but if you want to add to the list, touching what’s mine will piss me off much faster.” </span></p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t belong to anyone,” Lila’s voice was quiet but it was firm. Both of the men looked at her as she gazed at this newcomer. “I don’t belong to Saeran, I don’t belong to Ray, and I never belonged to that woman, either. Neither did you, and neither did either of them, just so we’re clear. Who are you, then? If you’re not Saeran, then would you care to share your name?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had every right to be upset with his insults and comments, but she knew that it solved nothing in the same way that Saeyoung knew that letting him punch him wouldn’t solve whatever had provoked him in the first place. She took in a breath and steeled herself for whatever he wanted to do. They had to take this slow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was obvious that he wanted to assert himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked seconds away from punching Saeyoung.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doesn’t matter, princess,” he clicked his tongue as if it was a show of how bored he was. “Never cared for one, never had one. Names don’t matter. Strength matters, and let me tell you, you are lacking in that department. I don’t know what he sees in you. Hmm, perhaps if we were back at Magenta, I could. I seem to recall relishing your hatred.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung noted that his tone, while rough, wasn’t as harsh as it could be when his attention was fixated on her. She seemed to be trying to reason with him, trying to slow things down before he did anything that might make things worse. Saying cruel things was one thing, but lashing out physically was not what they needed right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now that made Lila hesitate. “You were there?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I’ve always been here,” the flat of his palm caressed her cheek as she shivered. “Saeran used to be stronger, used to be angrier… used to know how to protect himself, and now he’s lost that fire and look at where it’s gotten him. I never had to come out because he took care of things. Now, he can’t even look you in the eyes and say he’s angry. He’s too scared that you’ll hate him.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She caught him by the wrist. “I’d never hate Saeran.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?” that piqued his interest, “But, I bet you’d hate me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no hesitation in her eyes, “I’d never hate you, either. We just met. What reason would I have to hate you? I told Ray the same thing, if you know Ray, I don’t hate him for existing, just as I have no reason to hate you for existing. If you’re here, then he’s hurting and you’re hurting, all of you are just hurting right now. What reason would I have to hate someone that’s hurting?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That didn’t seem to be the comment that he was expecting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He roughly shoved Lila aside and she stumbled to the floor, flopping back onto her knees with a wince. She wasn’t hurt but that tumble couldn’t have felt very good. Her brown eyes were wide but she didn’t scold him or curse at him, which didn’t help his case. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was trembling but she didn't yell at him. She didn't even curse him. She just stared at him in a state of shock, be it confusion or something else, it wasn't the reaction he wanted. He wasn't sure what he wanted but this wasn't what he thought he would get by pushing her around. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going to let you trick me the way that you tricked him,” he seethed. That venom in his voice was dangerously strong. “I’m not going to let anyone play me for a fool ever again, you may think that he’s willing to take whatever you dish out, but I’m fucking tired of being balled up and thrown away because Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes wants to play pacifist!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, quit that right the hell now, Lila only wants to help,” Saeyoung demanded his attention and he snapped his head back in the direction of the redhead. “You want to take out your anger on someone, huh? You should take it out on me. I’m the one you’re angry with. Pick on someone your size instead of pushing around someone that can’t fight you back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Gladly</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” was his only response before he lashed out at the man. Saeyoung braced himself as he was knocked to the ground, hands gripping his throat with firmness as he grasped at those wrists to get them to ease up some. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rasped but he didn’t try to kick him down. The redhead had no choice but to flip them over after that, knocking the nameless anger onto his back. He didn't want to hurt him, but he couldn't let get hurt in this house under his eyes again.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn't going to fail, not again. He wasn't going to leave or run away. Never again. He wasn't going to leave him and he won't leave him now. None of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung managed to unlock his hands and pin them down over his head so he couldn’t use them to hit him again. It lasted all of a couple of seconds but he knew, he knew that this was the same anger he had experienced with Saeran the first time they had to talk about everything that happened to them in the past and present. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He expected the hiss that was directed at him,  but not the venom in his glower. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Go fuck yourself," he spat. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate everything about you! You can't just come crawling back into our- my life as if nothing ever happened! You think you can do that?!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"They lied to me," his voice was strained but he tried to keep himself composed. "They said that they would protect you. They told me that the only thing I could do to protect you, all of you, was by going into the agency. That way, I could learn how to erase our movements and ensure that nobody ever threatened you!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a bitter laugh on his lips, "Oh, so they're the liars and you're the one telling the truth?! How convenient! I don't know what lies you said to Saeran, but he sure as hell shouldn't have believed them! You're the source of all our suffering and I'm tired of it! I'm tired of reliving this bullshit over and over again! If I am suppressed one more time because the golden boy wants to play house with all of you, I'll—" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You have the right to be angry," was all Saeyoung said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...What?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung continued, "I said that you have the right to be angry. I know that no amount of apologizing is ever going to make things right and I know that I'm going to be making up for it every day every time that I'm given the chance to do it. I'm at fault too, even though I was a child back then. I never wanted to leave you behind. I thought that I could trust them, and I thought they would take care of you, I'm so sorry that they didn't. I'm so sorry that you got hurt. I never wanted that for you, or Saeran, or Ray, or for whoever else suffered with you." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So, even though I know it doesn't mean a lot right now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a horrible brother. I'm sorry I blindly trusted anyone to ensure your safety. I'm sorry they hurt you and I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. There are so many things I have to apologize for, and I'll never stop trying to make things right! But, you can hate me, and you can hit me for it! Do whatever you need to do to let it all out, but please, don't hurt yourself by doing this." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> "Hurt myself? What the hell makes you think that I'm trying to hurt myself? I want to hurt you the way you made us hurt! The way you made me hurt!" He lashed out against the hold that Saeyoung had on him. "Your apologies don't mean shit to me! Those are just pretty words used to make me listen to you and I'm not that moron! I'm not Ray—" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We know you're not them," a soft voice came from the other side of the room. "Saeyoung, let him up. This isn't helping him. It didn’t work the first time and it’s not working now. You're only proving what she said." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila didn't have to specify who she meant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all knew. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She knew it well because she had been fed the same lie over and over again. Saeran and Ray and this guy… they had all lived through that for years and it left its mark on them like a knife. The strength that he spoke of was given when someone lashed out at him and treated him like a monster or a criminal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"..." Saeyoung slowly let go of his wrists but there was no angry punch when he did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He raised from his hold and took a seat across from him, eyes downcast out of a sense of shame. He still didn't always know what to do… and a lot was screwing up when it came to Saeran, and while he was trying so hard, he knew that at the end of the day—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn't know his twin as well as he wanted to believe. And really, that was the most upsetting notion of all and it was all his fault. V and Rika had taken that from him when he was a child, and this was… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lifted his head when he heard the sounds of socks against the hardwood as Lila sank to her knees to hold out her hand to him, he stared at it for the longest moment. He seemed to be in the process of deciding whether he should take it or not. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of taking it, he nudged it away, not a slap, but a nudge, “I don’t want your pity. I don’t need to be rescued.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t pity you. I know better than that,” She said, and she didn't press him again. "I won't say that I understand what you've gone through personally. My experience at Mint Eye was more like a catwalk thanks to Saeran, he protected me by being strong until someone decided that his strength wasn't right, and I got hurt because of that. It wasn't his fault. Our perception of strength was warped by the people around us. So, what does strength mean to you?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"..." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...Does it mean you can protect yourself?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I think that's very brave of you," was what she said with a smile as he lifted his head to meet Lila's easy and gentle gaze. "To be willing to face everything head-on and tell everyone that ever hurt you that they were wrong? I'm still not brave enough to do that." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That caused him to snort, "You call attempted murder... </span>
  <em>
    <span>brave</span>
  </em>
  <span>?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know, anger is just the part of us that knows we've been wronged. I don't think you're wrong to be angry. I'm angry too. I'm angry I wasn't strong enough to fight for Saeran back then. I always think about how it might have changed if I was stronger. My anger is a part of me. I live with it every day. I'm angry about a lot of things. It's human to be angry. I bet even Saeyoung has things that he's angry about, and the RFA, and the rest of the world." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked down and didn't say anything. Lila didn't hesitate to share her feelings with him, and she continued, "Anger is a part of you, too, but that doesn't mean that the only feeling you can feel right now is anger. Underneath that… you must feel something more. It’s just buried away in that anger for your protection." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung didn't know how she reacted so naturally and calmly. Was she in her daze trying to deal with this? She was either a saint or an idiot. Perhaps, both, but at that moment, he was envious of her gentle touch despite how fiery he had once seen her become. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you patronizing me?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No, never. I just… I know this look in your eyes, I've…" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...We've met before." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Have we?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Once." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila tried once more, letting her hand brush against his before he recoiled, a wide-eyed stance coming out of the blue as he inhaled as if he was seeing something he shouldn't be seeing. "I'm really sorry," she murmured. “I didn’t know. When was that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Your golden boy wouldn’t want me to say,” he responded, simply. There was something strange in his eyes.  “After all, he wants to dump the memory of that event into my hands because he can’t bear to stomach it anymore. I can feel it, I can feel that anger, and I want to make you understand what you made him— made me feel in that moment.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung flinched when he reached forward and took ahold of Lila’s hands. She didn’t budge but he flipped her palms over to real some of the worn scars on her palms. That was the one thing that he had remembered so very clearly from that time in Magenta when he threw tantrums as he and Saeran had blurred together. He often made a mess. She spent a lot of time cleaning up broken glass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...What moment?” Saeyoung decided to ask since he knew that Lila wasn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You really should pay more attention to Saeran. You aren’t proving you’re trying to make amends with him, </span>
  <em>
    <span>redhead</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” was his blunt response. “What a moron. Do any of you even pay attention to what’s going on?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Lila gently scolded him, drawing his attention back onto her instead of Saeyoung. “Don’t lash out at him. He’s not going to bother you and you shouldn’t antagonize him. If you want to have some rational discussions, we can do that, but you aren’t going to make things better by biting someone. I’m happy to hear you out, so is Saeyoung, but you can’t attack someone who wants to help.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sneered, “Aren’t you a cute little angel, then? Always playing the hero?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lila gripped his hand tightly and steeled her resolve. She narrowed her brown eyes at him and shook her head, “And, aren’t you always trying to play the villain? Always trying to break others to prove how strong you are?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm, the princess has fangs, does she?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to help,” she said, instead. “And, to be able to help, I need to understand what’s wrong, and I need you to be honest with me. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do but I can’t let you lash out at yourself or others. Saeran doesn’t want that. Cruelty breeds cruelty, and I’m speaking from experience, we earned nothing but misery after following that path.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He never once let her eyes. Lila was searching for answers in that anger it seemed as though he wasn’t going to budge on the matter. The pads of her fingers brushed against his palm. That pulled some kind of tremble from him. She knew the relative problem but not the source. “You don’t have to tell me, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t try to hurt others when you’re upset.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hesitated and then allowed himself to look back at Saeyoung. “Is she truly always this exceedingly forgiving? Does she realize the danger she’s putting herself in? I almost choked you out and she’s level headed.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saeyoung merely offered him a shrug in response. He knew the limits that that woman had put herself through for Saeran. She was just as bad as him when it came to putting her life on the line to protect a person she loved. He’d seen it when she had been found bleary-eyed and dazed, still trying to protect him from harm in Mint Eye. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Love makes you do crazy things,” he managed. He knew that because he’d seen it in his partners. That willingness to face a danger no matter the cost to their lives. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His vision returned to Lila as she continued to hold her gaze on him. Eventually, he sighed, though his body was still wrought with anger and tension. For some reason, she was making him feel something other than that. It reminded him of that time they first met. She’d been out of it that night, in a haze of exhaustion from being put through the wringer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A part of him wanted to scold her for falling asleep when Saeran told her to keep going, but she’d stupidly reached up and grasped at the collar of his shirt with a sleepy smile on her face. She was a fool then and she was a fool now. No wonder these hands still felt like they were caked in her blood, she’d been infecting him from the start. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t say he understood why Saeran was so willing to fight his natural urges…. though, seeing her eyes, it was giving him a better idea of how he’d fallen from the sky. That guilt swam in his gut as it had with Saeran. He and Saeran had blurred together that last day in Mint Eye, and he wasn’t sure if he was the one that pulled the trigger, or if it had been Saeran. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had been so ready to get rid of Jihyun Kim that… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, his frustration pooled in his guts again. He wanted to lash out to force this feeling to go away, but she had him underneath her spell. He sucked in a breath and frustrated tears escaped from his eyes. She didn’t break away from his sight, though, nor did she scoff at the sight of his tears. He wanted her to so he had a reason to stay angry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she didn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not even Saeyoung looked at him in pity. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why was it just so damn confusing all the time? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why were his thoughts so twisted and broken?!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was he broken?!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I… I hate this…. I don’t want to be alone… I don’t want to be alone…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt arms tentatively wrap around his center in that heated daze, as he just lost himself to that haze of delirium and anguish. It hurt so much, it hurt so much, and he simply wished that someone would understand his pain for once in his life. He was just so lost and out of it, and all he wanted to be was found. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” a voice gently murmured to him. “I won’t let you go.  Let it all out. You can cry, i’s not a sign of weakness. It’s letting go of that anger in your heart. Nobody’s judging you, you have the right to be upset.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another hand brushed against his shoulder, “Nobody’s going you leave you alone. We won’t leave Saeran or Ray, either.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nobody had ever told him that before. As angry as he was, why did part of him want to believe that? It must have been Ray or Saeran feeding into that. It couldn’t be his desires. He wasn’t weak and he really didn’t need anyone. He just needed to get rid of everything to make it all better, but he didn’t have the strength to leave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, was he growing soft, too? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was this a curse or was he just being tricked again like always? He shut his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want to deal with all of this anymore. It was easier in the headspace where he could taunt and torment with his anger without something testing him. This was harder to manage in truth, and he almost forgot what it felt like since so much time had passed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a bit of hesitation in his voice, “...Call me Grave.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course,” was the gentle response. “It’s nice to meet you, Grave.”</span>
</p>
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